George Carlin. One of the greatest ever.

I was just watching a handful of clips from "An Evening at the Improv" on hulu. All of them were recorded between 1982 and 1996. A lot of it is the antiquated, hacky comedy that epitomized stand up in the 80s. It's all sport coats and goofy premises. Then, to cleanse my pallet I watched a bit of George Carlin's first HBO special, "On Location: George Carlin at USC". This was filmed in 1977, roughly a decade before a lot of the "Improv" stuff. It made me realize how far ahead of his time Carlin really was.

The Quinn

I want to tell you all about the facility that I'm training at right now. I'm currently at school at Appalachian State University. There isn't a CF affiliate in Boone, and even if there was I probably wouldn't pay a membership fee when I have access to the university facilities included in my tuition. Up until about 2 months ago I had been training at the Student Recreation Center, which was opened my freshman year here. It's a really nice, big facility with an indoor 200 m track, lifting platforms, rock wall, etc. They even got a rower last year.

However, for some reason when they were designing the building they put the weight room, including the platforms, up on the second floor right above the offices and locker rooms. As pretty much anybody should be able to imagine, this was a bad idea. I mean, if you buy platforms and bumper plates isn't the assumption that people are going to be dropping weights onto the ground? How could such a huge oversight have occurred? If I had to venture a guess, it's probably because the people responsible for operating the facilities haven't lifted a weight in the past decade, if ever. So, this led to weight room staff asking me not to drop bumper plates on to a platform. Offensive, to say the least.

So, as of Summer 2011 they finally removed the platforms and bumper plates from the Student Rec. Center and put brand new platforms in the older recreation center, The Quinn. This is where I'm currently training. The Quinn was built in 1987 and even though it's the new home of the best training equipment on campus it certainly has its downfalls. First, the building layout is incredibly sexist. When you walk in, to your left is the weight room and to your right is an open space with hardwood floors and mirrored walls where aerobics classes are taught. These two rooms are divided by a "cardio" area with treadmills, ellipticals and the like, pictured below. They decided to put the Men's locker room to the left, by the weight room and the women's to the right, near the aerobics floor because circa 1987 AppState believed in cultivating a student body comprised of men that never do aerobics and women that never lift weights. As a result my girlfriend, who lifts heavy barbells on a regular basis, has to walk all the way to the other side of the building and go up and down two small flights of stairs if she needs to use the bathroom mid-workout.

Front Desk and "Cardio" area at The Quinn

Most of the people who lift in the Quinn are young males with an extreme distaste for training their lower body. So, common fashion is a tank top to showcase the guns, coupled with sweatpants to hide the marathon-winner legs. But, perhaps my favorite thing to hate about the Quinn are the posters they have on the wall with suggestions for lifts to work certain muscle groups. Among these posters is this gem:

Yea, you read that correctly. "Stomach workout".  Not "Abdominal workout" or "Midsection workout". Shit, I'd be happier if it said "Tummy Tightening Routine". But, this insults my intelligence on a more advanced level than just goofy semantics because the stomach is an actual piece of human anatomy in the digestive system. In order for this poster to be made accurate "torso twists" and "incline situps" would have to be replaced with pictures of McDonald's menu items.

Having to train at this sub-par gym is made all the more torturous by the fact that I have to watch from a distance as Crossfit Durham, my home gym when I'm in Raleigh, is being transformed into a Strength and Conditioning paradise. Luckily, there's only another month before my return.

Omniscience is Bliss.

People say that ignorance is bliss. I agree with that. But, I bet that complete knowledge is bliss too. I don’t know for sure because nobody has ever known everything. Every year, millions voluntarily explore the “ignorance” end of the spectrum and can verify the happiness associated with it. But, nobody has ever tried omniscience to see how it suits them. I bet it’s a happy place. I think it’s the in-between, partial knowledge that makes a person miserable. Unfortunately, that is exactly where humanity currently stands as a species. We know a lot, but we don’t know everything. We know how to completely re-adjust a child’s jaw with headgear but we can’t figure out how to keep the other kids from making fun of them when they wear it. We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t provide ourselves with a government credible enough for everyone to believe that they put a man on the moon. We can create The Shawshank Redemption, but we can’t prevent Tokyo drift. We seem to have the best resources and the worst intentions.

Our Voice Will Be Heard Amongst No Other Voices!

Podcast Episode 6

Here's the next episode of my as of yet unnamed podcast. On this episode I talk about venison, how college professors can improve their job performance, and carb cycling.

Stream Podcast Episode 6
Download Podcast Episode 6

Carb Cycling Articles:
Carb Cycling Made Easy Part 1- Jason Ferruggia
Carb Cycling Made Easy Part 2- Jason Ferruggia
EFS: Carb Backloading
Fat Loss Nutrition

"Bookend" Metcon

I want to put up a quick training related post. This is just a quick explanation of a style of programming for conditioning that I've been playing with a little bit lately and really like. I've deemed them "bookend" metcons because I choose a heavy movement that bookends the faster pace metabolic movement. The general template is:

X Rounds:
-Big, compound, heavy movement for low reps (3-6)
-Something light and fast to jack up the heart rate for 30-45 seconds
-Same big, compound, heavy movement for same weight/reps as you did at the beginning
-Rest before next round

Example:
4 Rounds:
5 DB Hang Clean to OVH
50 Double Unders
5 DB Hang Clean to OVH
Rest 1 min

The weight on the DB Hang Clean to OVH would be as heavy as you can complete the workout with. You could even start conservatively and increase weight on each round if you wanted to. These work really well performed in teams of two. One athlete performs one round, then rests while their partner does it. If the athletes are of equal skill level this keeps the work:rest ratio at about 1:1. The goal with these is to move non-stop through each round. At no point should you set down the DB's or rest on the double unders. You'll find that there is a huge difference between the first 5 DB Hang Clean to OVH and the last 5 of each round. The first 5 feel explosive because you're fresh off a rest period and the last 5 are a bitch, but it's easy to push yourself through them because the reps are low and you're almost done. It makes for good psychological training.

Here are some more examples. I'll use 4 Rounds with 1 min recoveries for each of these, but the total rounds and rest intervals are variables that can be adjusted depending on the ability of the athlete:

4 Rounds:
5 DB Thrusters
15 Box Jumps
5 DB Thrusters
Rest 1 min

4 Rounds:
3 KB Snatch Right
3 KB Snatch Left
10 Burpees
3 KB Snatch Right
3 KB Snatch Left
Rest 1 min

4 Rounds:
3 Barbell Squat Clean to OVH
15 KB Swings (light)
3 Barbell Squat Clean to OVH

4 Rounds:
6 KB Swings (Heavy)
Sprint 200 m
6 KB Swings
Rest 1 min

A Pleasant Confrontation With Authority

Podcast Episode 5

This twenty minute, extra long podcasting extravaganza covers topics ranging from my history of coffee consumption, to how I think comedians should be treated in public, to my neighbor's love of dubstep and, finally, cow juice.

Stream Episode 5

Download Episode 5

Podcast Episode 4

In this special Raleigh edition of the podcast I talk about being a poor college kid, Vitamin C megadoses and why I don't train when I'm sick.

Stream Episode 4

Download Episode 4

70's big post about training sick

Note: I couldn't find the website about Vitamin C megadose therapy that I wanted to post a link to. Just google that shit on your own. To make up for it, here's a great clip from the most recent Joe Rogan Experience podcast, of which I'm a huge fan. They're talking about dumb people who are resistant to the natural evolution of intelligent life.

Moderate Efficiency Apartment Makeover

Podcast Episode 3

In this episode I bring my first guest on to the podcast... sort of. I discuss my borderline belief in spontaneous generation and make cheap jokes at the expense of a completely innocent sorority girl.

Stream Episode 3 here

Download Episode 3 here

My window sill, littered with dead fruit flies.

The subject of the majority of this podcast.

Podcast Episode 2

Here's a podcast where I talk about my Forensic Chemistry class and Spencer Hendel's website.

Download Podcast Episode 2

Stream Podcast Episode 2

New Podcast

Hey, I recorded a podcast all by myself. It's about 9 minutes long.

Click Here to Download

Click Here to Stream

The Real Journal Entries of Young Ryan Brown.

9/15/2001

Dear Journal,
Today we moved mom's office upstairs into the bonus room. I had to move my drum set and all that stuff. It looks really different! I had to go to Katie's soccer game today. They lost. They haven't won a single game yet. I think they're *Losers*! But that's just me. I have to hand it to them they did o.k. toward the end. Tuesday terrorists flew planes into the twin towers and pentagon. The planes were commercial flights hijacked by terrorists. Bin Laden is the one who did it. So many people died because both towers caught fire so firemen went in. Soon later the buildings collapsed trapping and killing billions. The government is starting an anti-terrorism campaign. They're gonna kill bin laden and all terrorist groups. I'm scared of the reactions terrorist groups will have on that. There could be more attacks! I'm scared. I can't wait for my B-day. I'm gonna be *12*! I hope I get the crash cymbal I want! I'm excited. I can't wait!

Sincerely, Ryan

R-E-S-P-E-C-T? Not if you remember black and white TV.

Videos

I'm going to start recording these little youtube videos. It will be kinda like a solo podcast in video form. I mention my blog and how I don't really have much desire to write anything on it lately, which I don't. But, I figure I can at least post these videos to the blog. So, enjoy.

Garage Sale

Today I want to write about something that happened to me as a child that, for some reason, I still think about from time to time. It's really nothing significant or traumatic, in fact it's actually an incredibly petty quasi-argument that I got into with my older sister one day, stemming from a verbal miscommunication.

It all started with a neighborhood garage sale. I was probably around 12 years old at the time and I loved it when our whole subdivision would have these garage sales because my parents told me I could put any of my possessions that I didn't want or need up for sale. I got to name the price and reap the financial rewards. Tax-free, cash-only transactions, all being done off the grid. I loved it. On a good garage sale day I could rake in $30-50, all in exchange for toys or video games that I had pretty much abandoned anyway. The day before the garage sale I remember organizing my merchandise and placing little sharpie price tags on each item. Being influenced by the price tags I saw at stores, I didn't price any of my stuff at an even dollar amount. A Nintendo 64 game would be priced at $9.99, or an action figure for $3.99. After having applied these sorts of price tags to 75% of my merchandise, my mom noticed what I was doing and explained to me that this was absolutely ridiculous. But, because I was too lazy to go through and put a new sticker on everything, I turned the ".99" into a ".00". This effectively cut all my prices by $1 but I didn't really care. So, on the morning of the garage sale I was in the kitchen and my whole family was meandering in and out of the house and setting up tables in our driveway. At this point my older sister Ashley came inside and began making a cardboard box with a small slit in it to hold the cash that we would make from our sales. And our argument began with a simple question on my part.

"Hey, so are we each going to get our own cash box?", I asked.

"There will be a box for everybody", she replied.

I didn't understand if she meant that there would be one box, shared by everybody or if there would be one box for each individual person. Her phrasing was a little unclear to me.

Just to clarify, I asked "So, we'll each have our own box?"

And, instead of rearranging her words to be less ambiguous and communicating effectively with me, she just said the same exact damn sentence that she had said before, but this time with an annoyed tone.

"There will be a box for everybody!"

I realized I must not have understood her upon my first try, leading me to believe that she meant we'd all be sharing one box.

So I said, "Ok. So, we'll all be sharing that one box?"

What happened next was astounding. Even though this time I had properly interpreted her poorly chosen words, she replied with the same exact fucking sentence. Except that this time it was even louder and angrier.

"THERE WILL BE A BOX FOR EVERYBODY!"

At this point I just left and went outside because I didn't know why she was being so irritable and I didn't want to deal with it. But, I still think about this little interaction we had and I wished I'd stayed in that kitchen and argued with her because I really don't think I was out of line. I mean, maybe I was partly at fault for not interpreting what she said correctly, but I don't think she handled the situation well at all. What kind of communication strategy is that? To just yell the same sentence at someone louder and angrier each time. Like that's the problem? Yeah, maybe I didn't understand what she meant because it just wasn't hollered at me with enough zeal. I mean, what the fuck? I don't even know if she remembers this. She probably doesn't and she probably shouldn't. This is one of those weird memories I have where I'm not sure why I've held onto it for so long. But, whenever I relive it in my mind I get angry at my sister all over again. I just want to call her up and confront her about it. "A box for everybody, a box for everybody! I GET IT! We were all gonna share one box! You didn't have to be such a bitch about it. It was garage sale day, for christ's sake. One of the best days ever! How could you be anything but happy? What was up your ass?" But, I never make that phone call because I'm pretty sure she would have no clue what I was talking about.

Crossfit vs. The Rest of the Strength and Conditioning Universe

It's time for another post related to Strength and Conditioning stuff. This one isn't about my training specifically but rather, my gripes regarding the culture of the S&C field. There is definitely some tension between the growing CF giant and the rest of the strength and conditioning world. As someone who appreciates conventional S+C methods and Crossfit, it pisses me off. It's completely unnecessary and counterproductive and I've come to realize that both parties are at fault.

I no longer consider myself a "crossfitter" in the purest sense of the word. There was a time when I followed CF.com's programming religiously and just wanted to increase my work capacity across broad time and modal domains. My current training has developed more of a focus on functional strength and size, while still keeping an eye on my conditioning. However, I coach at a Crossfit gym and Crossfit's methodology heavily influences my own training. As does the work of Mark Rippetoe, Jim Wendler, Robb Wolf, John Welbourn, Christopher Somers, Jason Ferrugia and many others that I can't think of at the moment. I also still regularly read the CF Journal. So, I'm highly entrenched in the "Crossfit community" but I'm certainly not as big of a kool-aid drinker as I once was.

In recent years I've begun to explore and appreciate the real world of Strength and Conditioning, outside of Crossfit. This is a result of my pursuit of an undergraduate degree in Exercise Science combined with reading a lot of T-nation, EliteFTS, 70s big, Jason Feruggia's blog, StartingStrength.com and others. So, at this point in my development as a strength coach I kind of feel like I don't particularly belong in either camp. I'm enough of a S&C guy to feel a bit alien in the CF world, but my CF background makes me feel a bit out of place around S&C folks. It irritates the hell out of me to see each of these groups taking shots at the other. As an unbiased third party who sees the good in both, allow me to mediate.

Dear Crossfitters,

The reason S&C people don't respect CF is because you've bastardized the knowledge that the S&C community has spent decades honing and developing and now because of the way this knowledge has been rearranged, many of you think you're doing something revolutionary. I've got news for you. High intensity training, compound barbell lifts, kettlebells and gymnastics exercises have been around forever. Where the hell do you think Greg Glassman got all this stuff from? Just because you didn't read about these movements in Men's Health doesn't mean there haven't been legitimate underground strength coaches using these techniques with their athletes for a long time.

Also, the vast majority of CF'ers are pitifully weak. Just because you're "strong enough" to use the prescribed load in a workout doesn't mean that you're actually "strong". The name of this field is "strength and conditioning" for a reason. Strength comes first because it has a greater carry-over to other aspects of fitness. Conditioning is a hell of a lot more effective if there is already some strength in place. If you're a male who is 5'9'' 150 lbs and you're 1RM squat is 225 lbs the last thing you need to be doing are 20 minute conditioning suckfests like "Cindy" or the "Filthy Fifty". Do a basic linear progression and GET STRONG! Learn how to perform the lifts properly while you're at it. Crossfitters are notorious for poor technique, especially in the Olympic lifts. If your power clean is ugly, doing 30 reps as fast as possible will not help. Mobility work and deliberate practice of the skill, however, will.

The Crossfit vernacular is another thing that annoys traditional S&C people. What you refer to as a "WOD", the rest of the S&C world calls "conditioning". Also, please stop shitting on movements that you consider "non-functional". I was doing one arm DB Rows on a flat bench at CF Durham one day when another gym-goer (a CF'er) remarked, "DB Rows? Get the fuck out of my gym!" Really? Why aren't DB rows an acceptable exercise? Is it because you've never seen them mentioned in the CF Journal and that is your only source of information regarding what is and isn't good training? They seem just as much of a compound movement as bodyweight rows on the rings, which are certainly "CF approved." Big, strong people have been using DB rows to get big and strong for a long time. Now, just because Greg Glassman doesn't include them in his programming, they're useless? Why don't you do a little research, maybe try them out and then decide for yourself. This whole thing is starting to feel a lot like organized religion.

CF was created by Greg Glassman looking at various areas of the strength and conditioning field and synthesizing his own program by taking the exercises and principles he found most useful and putting them together. Instead of just buying into everything he does, why don't you go through the same journey that he did? Figure out how powerlifters get so damn strong and see what you can use from their world. Train like a gymnast for a few months and examine what that does to your work capacity. Try things that aren't "CF" in the strictest sense of the word. You'll realize that there's a whole world of training knowledge that you've been neglecting just because it didn't make it through Glassman's filter.


Ok, non-CF S&C community, it's your turn.

I know it's easy to hate Crossfit for all the reasons I mentioned above but try to see the big picture. Mark Rippetoe has been quoted saying, "My own opinion of Greg [Glassman] is that he has done more to legitimize actual training in the minds of the public than any other person since Arthur Jones destroyed it in the mid-70s." (Arthur Jones is the guy who came up with the Nautilus system.) As usual, Rip is absolutely right. Crossfit has more people than ever before doing compound, functional movements and focusing on performance as much as appearance. This is a HUGE step in the right direction. You may not like some of the things CF does or the way that it does them but it's generating an interest in Powerlifting and Olympic Weightlifting that is unprecedented. It's helping to get the general public to realize that a marathon isn't the ultimate test of fitness. Crossfit is a gateway fitness program that helps bridge the gap between Muscle and Fitness bullshit and real, old-school underground strength training that actually works for people. That is exactly what it did for me. If it weren't for Crossfit I might be doing BOSU ball squats and cable crosses instead of Cleans and weighted pull-ups.

Speaking of pull-ups, CF's "kipping pull-up" gets a lot of shit from the rest of the S&C world. Understand that everything Crossfit does, it does for a reason. The kipping pull-up is an excellent conditioning tool and a good developer of coordination. If pure upper body pulling strength is what you're after, stick with dead hangs but kipping pull-ups do have their place. Like I told the Crossfitters about DB Rows, incorporate them into your program and see how you like the stimulus.

I think that Crossfit's definition of fitness is genius because it is so tangible and it promotes a balanced approach to training, which is a good thing. Don't get so wrapped up in getting stronger that you let every other aspect of fitness go to shit. At the same time, don't do so much conditioning that you impede your strength gains. The majority of athletes a S&C coach works with will need some kind of a blend of physical traits to perform optimally in their sport. Football players need to be strong, but anaerobic capacity and muscle endurance also play a part. A soccer player needs some strength but also requires a great deal of aerobic capacity and muscle endurance. Understanding how to design a program so these physical traits can be co-developed is a useful skill for a S&C coach.

It also can't be denied that top tier Crossfit Games competitors are incredible athletes. These men and women are capable of performing tasks that are just as impressive as Strongman, Oly and Powerlifting champions. Just because the sport of Crossfit is in it's infancy doesn't make it any less valid. And, if you really consider yourself a good S&C coach, would you not be excited if an athlete enlisted your help to train them for the Crossfit games? Personally, I think the challenge of developing every aspect of a person's fitness equally is a fun one to tackle. So please, stop scoffing at CF like it's Tae-bo.

My Favorite Liquids

Hey, guys. Liquids are great. Here are some of my favorites.

Oil
Where does it go?
In your car. The engine, not the interior.

What does it do?
Keep your car running well. As a bonus, some cars can even burn the oil for fuel! (This isn't actually desirable)

Blood
Where does it go?
In your veins, or in plastic bags then into someone else's veins.

What does it do?
Makes a mess when you're injured and helps police catch murderers. Blood is like the blue ink in one of those little security tags on retail merchandise.

Milk
Where does it go?
It's intended to go into the mouths of young calves but if you can intercept some and channel it into your own stomach it's mighty tasty.

What does it do?
Makes you big and strong. To be fair, it also spikes insulin and could promote cancer growth.

Shampoo
Where does it go?
In your hands, scrubbed into your hair and then down the shower drain. Repeat.

What does it do?
Cleans your hair. But, CAUTION: regular shampoo use will prevent the creation of dreadlocks.

BBQ Sauce
Where does it go?
On top of meats. Preferably grilled. Also preferably NOT bologna.

What does it do?
Makes even a bland, unseasoned slab of flesh taste amazing.

Whisky

Where does it go?

Into your belly, then your liver and brain. Then, eventually, to Whisky heaven. (This is the only liquid on the list that has an after-life.)

What does it do?

Makes you feel delighted, then sick...and then proud.

Post your favorite liquids in the comments! Or least favorite? Or anything.

I Need a Death Coach

Hey, everybody. Happy Sunday. I've got some announcements. The first one is regarding the podcast. "The Rub", co-hosted by Ben Mercer and myself, is now available for your listening pleasure on itunes. Search for "The Rub" on itunes under podcasts and find the one that has our names on it and click "subscribe". Now every episode will automatically be downloaded into your itunes as soon as it's released and you can put us on your ipods and listen while you're driving around in your car.

I don't want to make anybody sad, but this week I'm going to talk about death. The other day I was sitting in my car at a traffic light and I thought about how my parents, who I love dearly, are going to die one day. Of course this wasn't the first time I'd realized this, but as I wrapped my mind around my parent's eventual demise I felt sad about it for a whole new reason. Growing up, whenever I thought about my parent's death I thought about how hard it would be to deal with their absence on an emotional level. What would I do without a Mom and a Dad? How would I get over that loss? But, as I sat in my car at that red light, a quasi-independent 21 year old, what was really depressing me about my parent's death was the positively disgusting amount of paperwork that would come with it. Handling my grief will be the least of my worries. I'll cry, I'll listen to some music, I'll lift weights and maybe write a joke about it. Done. I realize now that that's the easy part. But the thought of cleaning up the mess of financial and public records that a person leaves behind when they die riddles me with anxiety even more than thinking about my own death. Of all the people affected by death, the person who actually does the dying has the easiest job. They don't really have to do anything. In fact, they get to stop doing everything. They're the only one that gets to be in prone position at the funeral while everybody else has to sit or stand. So, I've reached an age where I think the scariest thing about death is the logistics.

Now, to cheer you up, listen to this song. It's the funkiest verbal affirmation ever.

CURLZ!

Hey, everybody. First order of business this week is to inform all of you that episode 2 of "The Rub" is up. So, give that a listen at therub.podbean.com. Next order of business is to think of something funny to post on here this week and write it in the white expanse below.

Damn. I'm spent. I haven't got anything remotely interesting to post on here this week. I don't have a single thought in my head that I think needs to be elaborated on in the least. Alright, I was reluctant to do this but I'm going to write about training. This isn't going to be funny. Please don't judge me for that. I try to keep this blog comedy-centric and I'm really deviating from that this week. Here we go.

I'm currently following Jim Wendler's 5/3/1 with some max effort Oly-lifts done as accessory work one day a week. I know most people who read this and actually care about training will be Crossfitters. I'm about to tell you something you're not going to like. You will, in fact, probably frown upon it. I think I'm going to add some curls to my program. This is not a joke. For those who aren't in the know, curls are heavily maligned in the crossfit community. They are seen as a useless isolation exercise, completely non-functional. However, a few months ago I read this article on elitefits.com promoting the use of bicep curls not for beach-tastic hypertrophy or to get a sweet pump in your pythons, but as pre-hab on the elbow joint. This concept made sense to me, and there is also the anecdotal evidence of many wicked strong dudes doing bicep curls.
Example: Doug Young



I also know that power lifters strengthen weak body parts with isolation work. If the triceps are a weak link in a power lifter's bench press, he's going to do direct tricep work to bring up that weakness. I can feel in my One-Arm Chin-up negatives that my biceps are the weak link in the chain. I think a few sets of barbell curls a week could help that. The meat and potatoes of my program will still be the big 4: Squat, Press, Deadlift and Bench Press. My primary concern is getting stronger in these lifts. I don't think curls will detract from that and I suspect they may even help. But, don't worry. I guarantee I will NOT be curling in the squat rack.

I'll try to get back to the funnies next week.

Introducing, The Rub.

Hey, guys. I'm very excited to inform all of you that you can now enjoy my presence on your computer in a whole new format. My friend Ben Mercer and I are co-hosting a new podcast called, "The Rub." We'll talk about a variety of topics and probably ramble quite a bit. Occasionally we may have some special guests on the podcast for silly interviews or deep introspection. The best part of this whole thing is that the premiere episode of The Rub is already live and ready for your enjoyment. And it's right here in this blog post. Give it a listen.

full podcast 1 by mercerbe

Learn more about Ben at Brew for your Buck, his beer blog we mention on the podcast.

"Till death do you part" Implies a Lifetime Warranty, Right?

As a young man on the cusp of graduating from college, I’ve begun to ponder marriage. Not that I’d even consider getting married any time in the near future, but I’ve just begun to turn the idea over in my head a little bit. Marriage scares me because there seems to be a good chance of failure. A lot of marriages end in divorce these days. I don’t know how the priests, ministers, rabbi’s or other religious leaders performing these marriages sleep at night. Can they honestly look at the rise in divorce rates and feel no guilt or responsibility? American cars don’t last as long as they used to, so we blame the auto manufacturers. Why aren’t we blaming the people performing these marriage ceremonies for the rise in divorce rates? I really don’t think the craftsmanship is as good as it used to be. They seem to be using much cheaper parts. The magical religious welds on these marriages are weak. Just look at the amount of maintenance people have to do to keep a marriage running. Couples are regularly going to marriage counselors and renewing their vows. If you’ve been married less than 5 years and you’ve already renewed your vows, you should go back to whoever married you and get a refund because you got a lemon.  I’m not ordained so I’m not sure what the specific manufacturing shortcomings are. Perhaps, “I now pronounce you man and wife” isn’t being said emphatically enough. Or, maybe I’m missing the mark entirely. Perhaps ring bearing is a lost art and these 9 year old boys in their rental tuxedos aren’t up to par. Maybe it’s the flower girl. I’m not exactly sure, but somebody in the marriage assembly line is not pulling their weight and until we figure this out I’m not walking down the aisle with anyone. 

The Cold Sore Before Christmas

Man, I've really been neglecting my blog lately. I published that disappointingly undersized cute little post about gas prices on Christmas Eve and then I was just too lazy busy to maintain the blog through the holidays. But, now the holidays are over and part of me says good riddance because even though the holidays are fun, they can also be stressful. And, as previously mentioned in my Rough Day post, when I am faced with stress cold sores abound. Which brings me to the meat of this post. This is a poem I wrote a couple years ago that I hope you will enjoy. If I was smarter I would have published THIS on Dec. 24th.

 The Cold Sore Before Christmas

by Ryan Brown

T’was the night before Christmas

And all through the house

Everything was quite well

Except Ryan’s mouth

The presents so carefully

Wrapped in papyrus

But raging on his lip

Was the herpes simplex virus

His body was nestled

All snug in his bed

As the sore began throbbing

And growing blood-red

It came from the depths

Of the cells in his lips

Slowly but surely

The infection took grip

Then there on his mouth

He felt such a clatter

He sprang to the mirror

To see what was the matter

To the local drugstore

He flew like a flash

He grabbed the Abreva

And threw down some cash

With a quick application

The burning was quelled

He hoped by the morning

That all would be well

He set an alarm to wake up every hour

To fight this outbreak with all of his power

At one, at two, at three and four am

He applied a small layer

But his fate looked quite grim

From six in the am

Up until nine o’clock

He slept in his bed

Praying the cold sore would stop

Finally at nine

The young man awoke

“I bet the cold sore is gone”

He sarcastically joked            

He stretched and he yawned

He sauntered to the mirror

Only to discover

His lip looked quite clear

Upon further inspection

He was beyond surprised

He was completely unable

To believe his own eyes

In just eleven short hours

The sore had been beaten

Not a moment sooner than

Christmas breakfast would be eaten

He sat at the table

And enjoyed this fine feast

And told his family

Of the herpes defeat

The group was joyous

Fearlessly sharing beverage

Thankful for the Abreva

That gave Ryan such leverage

They sat and they ate

Until they were all full

In awe of this

Christmas herpes miracle!