I Wish One Of My Eyes Was Queer.

I’m completely in favor of gay rights. Let them get married. Not wanting gays to get married makes almost as little sense as not wanting me to smoke cannabis in the privacy of my own living room. The least sensible of all the anti-gay marriage arguments is the idea that if gay marriage is allowed it will open the floodgates for polygamist and bestiality marriages. What a lack of creativity. It’s as if conservatives just copied and pasted their weed argument onto the gay rights issue. “How did we convince everyone marijuana was dangerous? Oh yea, it’s a gateway drug. Well, then…uh… homosexuality is…uh…it’s a gateway sexuality. One moment you've got a perfectly healthy and fulfilling relationship with a member of the same sex and next thing you know you've got 10 partners, at least one of which has hooves.”

Gays don’t deserve to be ostracized any more than African Americans because being gay, like race, is not a choice. I wish it was a choice. I’m a heterosexual but I would have chosen “gay” without question. If I were gay I bet I’d be 10 times happier than I am now. I’m lonely as a heterosexual because in the heterosexual system all of the burden is on males to go approach girls and talk to them. I have anxiety about talking to women, so I pretty much don’t.  But, Gay Ryan would have a great self esteem and love life because I've been hit on by way more gay men than straight women in my life. Whenever this happens I always think, “Man, what a waste? If only I were gay?” Some of you may be thinking to yourselves, “Well, Ryan, if you have these thoughts then maybe you actually are gay?” Believe me, I’m irreversibly straight. And this is my whole point. If I were gay I wouldn't be here writing this blog post complaining about how I’m not. I’d be out dancing with some shirtless dudes, drinking for free and having a great fucking time. Instead I’m sitting here, a lonely heterosexual male pecking away at his keyboard.

Some people are out there actually running camps that claim to turn gay kids straight. They are rounding up these poor adolescents and telling them that their natural inclinations are morally wrong. Which is really just what a pre-teen needs, isn’t it? A little more self doubt and uncertainty about one’s identity? And, like many horrific acts throughout history, all of this deeply disturbing psychological abuse is being done in the name of good ol’ Jesus Christ. I just wonder why camps don’t exist to have the opposite effect. What if I want my son to grow up with a great fashion sensibility and a voice for the theatre and I’m worried by his heterosexual tendencies? Where can I send him to have someone keep a queer eye on him and gently encourage regular viewings of sex and the city? Or maybe I have a daughter and I’m banking on a rugby scholarship for her college education. Sure, I could give her the proper hair cut and force her to lift heavy weights while listening to K.D. Lang, but that would only carry her so far. The chances of her developing those on-field skills would be much greater if a summer camp existed to mold her sexual identity into something completely contrary to her natural desires. Perhaps one day the evil forces that drive the creation of these “straight camps” will be harnessed by the gay community and I’ll have my way. Until then, I can only dream.