A letter home

I was in African American Lit. today and Dr. Bruce Dick said that you must write to get better at writing. He also said that people don't write very much these days beyond email and text messages. "Nobody writes letters anymore", he said. So, I decided to write and mail an old-fashioned hand-written letter to my parents back in Raleigh. My 21st birthday is approaching and I plan to go home that weekend. So, I thought I'd let them know what to expect with my homecoming.

Dear Mother and Father,

     'Tis a crisp fall day in Boone and I'd like to tell you that my life at this institution of higher education is quite swell. I shall be returning home to Raleigh by motor car in approximately one fortnight for the celebration of the 21st anniversary of my birth. This brings me to the crux of my situation and the reason I am writing you.
     As you are both aware, the exact date of my birth was October 8th. This means that when the clock strikes midnight, declaring the beginning of the 8th of October, 2010 I will be able to legally imbibe beverages containing alcohol. I fully intend to take great advantage of this newly acquired privilege. So, by the time I arrive at your location on the 9th of October, I may be suffering from decreased vigor and physical vitality due to my raucous celebration and hefty consumption of the devil's water. I may consume so great a quantity that I eject the contents of my stomach on to the very ground upon which I stand (or dance). This may occur several times, however I am not setting any official goals.
     So, I would like for you both to know that when celebrating my birthday with you on October 9th I will try to be as jovial as possible. But, I may find myself inhibited by my physical state as a consequence of my celebratory activites.

With roughly equal parts love and respect,
                                               Ryan
     

Top 20 Tweets

I was very unsure of what I wanted to write about for the blog this week. I feel like I've got 3 different outlets for the stuff in my head. I've got my Twitter account for my smaller, more trivial stuff. I've got my stand-up for the more elaborate and entertaining stuff. And, then I've got this blog for stuff that's sort of in between. The blog is for things that I'd perhaps like to write about but aren't necessarily that funny. And all of the ideas I've had recently have been relegated to twitter or the stage, leaving me without any good blog content for this week. So, what I'm going to do is post my top 20 tweets since my twitter account's inception. This will hopefully serve 2 purposes. It will give me a post for this week on the blog and it will entice you to follow me on twitter. You don't even have to have a twitter account to read my tweets. Just bookmark the link above and you can check in from time to time. So, without further ado, here's my personal top 20 tweets list, in no particular order:

1. Did you hear the news? Jim Lehrer was exposed to gamma radiation. Now when he gets angry he becomes the credible hulk.

2. "Mr. Pib" should change it's name to "Witch Dr. Pepper" and market it as a superstitious alternative to the more popular soft drink.

3. Toyota released their design for the 2011 Highlander. When asked how many they would produce Toyota's rep replied 'there can only be one.'

4. Planning on starting up a Justice cover band called "Criminal Justice". We won't buy the rights to any of the songs.

5. I heard Apple is releasing a kettlebell called the iPood

6. I learned how to kill an earthly immortal today in daoism class. Something tells me they're not teaching facts at this school.

7. I don't pray because I'm an atheist. I just make wishes. It's all the same to me.

8. The girl in front of me at walmart is getting a case of coors light AND bud light. Because variety is the spice of life.

9. M.J. died of cardiac arrest. The least morally suspicious arrest he's ever been involved in.

10. Everyone who's here for the diversity celebration has to park in the parking deck. Sounds like segregation to me.

11. "YOU GET A BANANA! AND YOU GET A BANANA! ALL THE MONKEYS GET BANANAS!" - Oprah, narrating "Life" on Discovery Channel.

12. Boss battles are more fun in video games than in real life.

13. Have you ever checked yourself, only to find that you were too late and had wrecked yourself just seconds prior?

14. Former survivor producer was accused of murdering his wife who was found dead in Cancun. If only she’d earned immunity in the last challenge

15. I've got a fever and the only prescription is some kind of fever reduction meds. Seriously, get that cowbell out of here.


16. Pet Sitter Problem: "All my clients keep getting euthanized!"

17. I have tropical depression. None of my favorite island activities sound fun. I just want to sleep in a hammock all day. 

18. The bacon I'm eating is uncured, however it is in remission.

19. Mousenary- a trained soldier hired by Disney.

20. The worst part about being a serial killer who targets medieval European bards would probably be cleaning up all the minstrel blood.

So, there it is. My top 20 tweets up to this date. I'll see you guys next week!





       

A good night on the craps table is never considered a problem.

The unique thing about a "gambling problem" is that people don't really consider it a "problem" unless you're losing a lot. Like, if a guy is a compulsive gambler but he's good at it, I bet nobody ever hassles him about his addiction. In fact, gambling is the only addiction that I can think of where you just might end up really wealthy. When people get hooked on meth or heroin, they end up living on the streets, eating out of trash cans. They gather whatever materials they can find and wear them as clothes. Their level of physical degradation eventually matches the severity of their psychological illness. But with gambling, you could be very mentally unwell but your bank account has never looked better. There has to be at least one guy out there who has a really serious gambling addiction but he's got millions of dollars because he's just a lucky motherfucker. He probably places irresponsible, outrageous bets but then somehow it always pans out for him. How is that guy's family and friends supposed to have an intervention? An intervention is easy with a drug addict. You just say, "Hey, look at yourself. Is this the person you want to be?" Then they look down at the microwave popcorn bag, duct-taped to their thigh as a makeshift bandage for a knife wound and then they can't really deny the error of their ways. Try that on the wealthy compulsive gambler. "Hey, look at yourself. Is this the person you want to be?" He looks down at his designer jeans and crocodile boots, then slowly shifts his gaze over to the grand piano in his foyer and that's the end of that intervention.

If you've been reading this blog and you like what I'm doing, then leave some comments and let me know. If you don't like what I'm doing, let me know that too. I just would like some comments.

I'll have a diet coke. Bring me some crayons too. The spaghetti maze won't solve itself.

I've always looked kind of young for my age and I've never really appreciated it because it's always been a huge pain in the ass. If you're 17 years old in high school but you look like you're 13, none of the other kids think that's cool. The girls definitely don't dig it. Everybody wants to have an older looking friend because maybe they don't get carded so they can buy alcohol. But, nobody wants to be friends with Doogie Howser so that he can hook you up with shit off the "12 and under" menu at Applebees. Actually that's kind of a bad example. A 16 year old who can legally write prescriptions would have lots of friends. But, I know the tables are gonna turn and my day will come. One day I'll be in the nursing home and I'll be 70 but I'll look like I'm 55. And then everyone will think I'm the shit. I'll have a bunch of old people friends and whenever we go out to eat I'll be the only one getting carded for my senior citizen discount. And I'll probably have my pick of the ancient widows that throw themselves at me on a daily basis. I don't care one way or the other about breasts, but I only go for natural hips/knees.