Top 20 Tweets

I was very unsure of what I wanted to write about for the blog this week. I feel like I've got 3 different outlets for the stuff in my head. I've got my Twitter account for my smaller, more trivial stuff. I've got my stand-up for the more elaborate and entertaining stuff. And, then I've got this blog for stuff that's sort of in between. The blog is for things that I'd perhaps like to write about but aren't necessarily that funny. And all of the ideas I've had recently have been relegated to twitter or the stage, leaving me without any good blog content for this week. So, what I'm going to do is post my top 20 tweets since my twitter account's inception. This will hopefully serve 2 purposes. It will give me a post for this week on the blog and it will entice you to follow me on twitter. You don't even have to have a twitter account to read my tweets. Just bookmark the link above and you can check in from time to time. So, without further ado, here's my personal top 20 tweets list, in no particular order:

1. Did you hear the news? Jim Lehrer was exposed to gamma radiation. Now when he gets angry he becomes the credible hulk.

2. "Mr. Pib" should change it's name to "Witch Dr. Pepper" and market it as a superstitious alternative to the more popular soft drink.

3. Toyota released their design for the 2011 Highlander. When asked how many they would produce Toyota's rep replied 'there can only be one.'

4. Planning on starting up a Justice cover band called "Criminal Justice". We won't buy the rights to any of the songs.

5. I heard Apple is releasing a kettlebell called the iPood

6. I learned how to kill an earthly immortal today in daoism class. Something tells me they're not teaching facts at this school.

7. I don't pray because I'm an atheist. I just make wishes. It's all the same to me.

8. The girl in front of me at walmart is getting a case of coors light AND bud light. Because variety is the spice of life.

9. M.J. died of cardiac arrest. The least morally suspicious arrest he's ever been involved in.

10. Everyone who's here for the diversity celebration has to park in the parking deck. Sounds like segregation to me.

11. "YOU GET A BANANA! AND YOU GET A BANANA! ALL THE MONKEYS GET BANANAS!" - Oprah, narrating "Life" on Discovery Channel.

12. Boss battles are more fun in video games than in real life.

13. Have you ever checked yourself, only to find that you were too late and had wrecked yourself just seconds prior?

14. Former survivor producer was accused of murdering his wife who was found dead in Cancun. If only she’d earned immunity in the last challenge

15. I've got a fever and the only prescription is some kind of fever reduction meds. Seriously, get that cowbell out of here.


16. Pet Sitter Problem: "All my clients keep getting euthanized!"

17. I have tropical depression. None of my favorite island activities sound fun. I just want to sleep in a hammock all day. 

18. The bacon I'm eating is uncured, however it is in remission.

19. Mousenary- a trained soldier hired by Disney.

20. The worst part about being a serial killer who targets medieval European bards would probably be cleaning up all the minstrel blood.

So, there it is. My top 20 tweets up to this date. I'll see you guys next week!