Petrol Prices

Merry Christmas, everybody. Gas prices have shot up recently and are almost back up at $3 per gallon in NC. The fact that it's so expensive is unpleasant. But, on top of that, increased gas prices make it harder to pump to an even dollar amount. The more prices go up, the more sensitive the pump trigger gets. You give it a quick pinch from "$19.98" and it shoots up to "$20.01". I know it's non-consequential, but I still feel disappointed in myself. Then the pump asks me if I want a receipt. Would I like a hard-copy reminder of my failure? No. No, thank you.  

Cell Phone Pictures

Welcome back to Ryan Brown's Thots. Here are a couple of sights that I've come across that I captured on my cell phone.

First let's talk about this fucked up stop sign that I saw at the Boone mall. Somebody clearly didn't pay very close attention during stop sign construction school.  I guess when they were taking notes they wrote down the "make it red" part and then fell asleep. Maybe they couldn't read the text book chapter entitled, "What is an Octagon?" because this person has a learning disability wherein they can only read vertical text. But, I guess it worked because I came to a complete stop to take the photo.

Next up is this picture, taken at the Harris-Teeter in Raleigh, NC. This store was trying out a cool new promotion for people who are without a functioning pancreas. "You buy the ice cream, and the insulin is on the house!"

That's all for this week.

Seasonal Sex Acts

The holidays are here. Many see the holiday season as a time for giving, or a time for looking ahead to the coming new year. But to me, the holidays have always seemed like a time for romance. There are so many opportunities for sparks to fly. You could try sitting inside with your lover, snuggled up under a blanket by the fire, sipping hard cider. And if that doesn't work you can create obligatory sexual tension with a little carefully placed mistletoe. I've done some brainstorming and here are a few other ways to keep your sex life as spicy as the mustard in a hickory farms gift basket during the holiday season.

-Ladies, here's a suggestion that the editors over at Cosmo are too wise scared to print. Surprise your man with a sensual mitten job. You and your partner will both find it "hot" in different ways. Move over, Michael Jordan. There's a new "MJ" in town.

-If you and your partner are into S+M but bored with conventional whips and chains, winter can be a great time to add ice skates to your arsenal. The safe word is "Triple Axel". And if you're a masochist who happens to be single this holiday season, no worries. Curl up on the couch with some hot cocoa and pop in a DVD copy of "Christmas with the Kranks"...and brace yourself.

-When you find yourself deep in the throes of passion with your lover, try screaming the names of your favorite Christmas movie characters. Here's some of my favorites:

"FROSTY!"

"Mr. MA-GOO!"

"SINBAD AS A MAILMAN!"

-Some say it's better to give than to receive. But, what could be better than being the giver and the receiver? I'm talking about self-love. But, don't stop there. You can actually give yourself an extra-special gift by taking something away. That "something" is oxygen. Take a cue from those stockings hanging from the mantel and give autoerotic asphyxiation a try. Put a holiday twist on this classic too-curious-teen favorite by eschewing the boring, everyday rope in favor of some festive garland. If all goes well, you'll have a shameful and dangerous habit to kick for your new years resolution.

Rough Day

Blog Readers,

Sorry I haven't posted anything for 2 weeks. I feel terrible about that. My goal is 1 post per week and ideally I try to put them out every Sunday. I'd done such a good job of sticking to that self-imposed deadline for the first three months of this blog's existence. I don't really know why I'm even publicly apologizing for this. I doubt many of you were even aware that I hadn't posted something last week. When Monday rolled around and there was nothing new on here you probably just went about your day as if nothing was horribly wrong. But, despite having complete confidence that my lack of a post disappointed precisely no one, I have still managed to feel serious guilt for falling behind schedule. In fact, that guilt was one of the things that contributed to the onslaught of stress that has caused me to officially declare November 30th, 2010 a rough day. Why so rough? Let's start from the beginning.

I caught a nasty cold Sunday evening that I'm still recovering from. So, I woke up this morning immediately feeling a little shittier than usual. I went to brush my teeth and I felt some aggravating pain as my electric toothbrush passes over my gums on the upper left quadrant of my teeth. This isn't the first time I've felt this pain. It started about 2 weeks ago and I've realized it is attributed to the vicious gum recession I've experienced on a particular tooth. Below is a picture I took with my cell phone. Do you see the tooth 2nd from the right? Look at the top of it. The gum is receding so aggressively that the root of the tooth is revealed a bit and it feels like there is an open cut in my gums. I'm not sure what causes this. In recent years my dental hygiene has been better than ever. I've finally made a habit of flossing and I'm using a sonicare electric toothbrush, which is supposed to be the best. And this recession is completely absent on my right side. What gives, gums? Why are you receding on the left? I'm planning on seeing a periodontist about this issue over my winter break. My dad just had what's known as a "gum graft" to fix this same issue so I'm guessing this is another genetic short-straw that I've drawn, alongside wetting the bed until I was 13 and a propensity for in-grown toe nails. Thanks, Pop. Anyways, this physical pain was my emotional breakfast and it did not get me off to a strong start.

So, I get dressed and head outside and I am met with the most dismal weather Boone, NC has to offer. Grey skies and drizzle as far as the eye can see. Which is certainly not as far as usual due to the thick cloud cover obscuring the normally gorgeous view from my house. I remembered that I had an umbrella in my car to keep me dry as I walk around campus today between classes. So, I get in my car and drive to the parking lot where I catch the bus. When I got out of my car I checked the floor and the back seats for the umbrella and it wasn't there. So, I just hoped that the weather would get better as the day progressed but it didn't. This rain was so enduring that literally every time I stepped outside of a building today, I was getting soaked. What is normally an easy and even pleasurable part of my day, walking to class, was turned into a stressful event that left me sitting in a classroom listening to a lecture in uncomfortably damp clothes and with wet hair. This would surely aid me in my cold recovery.

I believe I was sitting in my first class of the day under the very moist circumstances that I've just described when I realized that I was developing a cold sore on the corner of my mouth. Wait, no. Not just in the corner of my mouth. I realized there is also a concurrent sore developing in the center of my bottom lip as well. There is a veritable herpes gang-bang on my mouth. Maybe that's why my gums are receding. They're terrified. The neighborhood is really going downhill. I'd get the hell out of there too. This outbreak didn't come as a complete shock though because any illness I get is often accompanied by a cold sore. It's a pesky virus that I acquired at some point back in elementary school and just like the real herps, once you pick it up you can never get rid of it. It will only go dormant until your next automobile breakdown or other stressful life event that causes it to pay you a visit. Cold sores are uncomfortable, unsightly and prevent me from kissing anyone but my enemies. Once again, a cell phone pic.

But the wind really got taken out of my sails at the end of my second class of the day when Professor Bruce Dick  returned graded papers that were due on the final day of class before the Thanksgiving holiday. I felt pretty good about the paper I had written and was expecting at least a C. I got a D+. Apparently there had been a 5 page length requirement that I was unaware of. My paper was only 3 and 1/3 pages. He made no notes on the content of the paper, leading me to believe that the content is fine but it just needs to be longer. The worst part is that he said I can resubmit the paper by Monday. That may seem like a wonderful opportunity for redemption to some of you, but I'd rather just take the D+ and be done with it. So, now I have to find a way to pump some bullshit into this document and fluff it up to 5 pages. I've already written this paper once. I've already gone through the cycle of stress and procrastination that large projects incur for me. Now I feel like I have to go through it again. It's as if that feeling of accomplishment that propelled me into my Thanksgiving break when I handed the paper in the first time was all a lie. As the stress/procrastination cycle began to re-initiate I could feel Jack and Lorenzo feeding off of it and becoming ever stronger. By this time I had assigned  names to the cold sores.

My final lecture for the day was Abnormal Psychology. It was spent discussing suicide. As I sat there cold, wet and defeated, this was almost like being hungry and listening to a lecture about delicious food. It was starting to look appealing and, hell, my gums had already thrown in the towel. My own living tissues were committing suicide without my consent. Maybe I should just go with the flow? I made it through that last lecture and I was ready to go home, put on some dry clothes, cook a nice hot meal and try to recover some kind of positive outlook. I looked outside and it was raining harder than it had been all day. It was at that very moment that I remembered I was supposed to mail something important today. I took off into the rain towards the campus post office and when I got there I found out they closed at 4:00 pm. It was 4:50 pm. Terrific. So at this point I'm completely saturated with rain water. I seriously wondered if there'd been water damage to the cell phone in my pocket. I trudged to the bus stop and caught a ride back to my car. I decided to make the extra effort and drive out to the Boone post office on the chance that it was still open. Of course, it wasn't. So, I went home and almost immediately got to work on this blog post as a means of eliminating the stress caused by not having posted anything on here in two weeks and venting to the people who end up reading this. Thank you.

Dave, if you're reading this then know that I'll get that thing in the mail tomorrow. I PROMISE!

As for everyone else, stay tuned. I've got a less rambling and hopefully funnier post planned for next week.

"Goodbye, cruel free throw line."

Last Wednesday my Sports Management class went on the worst field trip in the history of field trips. A field trip to Downtown Boone's famed "Jimmy Smith Park" would have been more exciting. The reason this field trip was so lame is because of the particular field we were "tripping" into. (There were no drugs involved.) We were learning about risk management, so we were instructed to meet in Varsity Gym where we would do a safety audit of the entire facility. Varsity Gym is a very antiquated building that opened it's doors in 1968. So, it's seen better days. All of the 25 or so students in my class were told to walk through the building and make a list of all the stuff that was unsafe like blocked doorways and tripping hazards. So, we all just fan out and start wandering around like 25 honorary fire marshals, staring intently at the walls and floors. Finally we make our way up to the second floor and, to demonstrate the safety importance of keeping certain doors locked, Professor Laney gets up on the catwalk that overlooks the wooden gymnasium floor about 50 feet below. "That door ought to be locked.", he shouts down at us from the catwalk. At this point, a guy who was in my class jokes loudly,

"That's a good place for a suicide attempt!"

What he said bothered me. Not because I found it offensive but because I found it to be short-sighted and untrue. If anybody ever committed suicide by jumping from the catwalk inside Appalachian State University's Varsity Gym, then I can understand why they might have self esteem issues nudging them towards ending their own life. They clearly can't get anything right, as evidenced by their poor selection of a suicide location. This catwalk hovers about 2.5 stories above the floor below. There's a good chance you wouldn't even die from that fall. If you land on your feet, you'll probably just be severely injured. Also, the decor is hideous. We're nestled in the mountains of western NC. This area is absolutely rife with beautiful natural features you could throw yourself off of. Who wants to spend their final seconds plummeting towards a wooden basketball court lit by the sterile glow of harsh fluorescent bulbs? Has this guy not seen the Blue Ridge parkway at sunset? Grandfather Mountain has a mile high swinging bridge that spans an 80 foot chasm! Granted, it costs $15 to get into the park and walk out on the bridge but, come on. You only die once. Don't skimp.


Varsity Gym interior. The catwalk in question can be seen at the top of this pic. Now, look at this photo and think to yourself, "Goodbye, cruel world". It's just not the right vibe.


This is fucking majestic. I know it. You know it. And the lady in the periwinkle jacket definitely knows it.

They're touring as "The Pink Eyed Peas" to raise awareness.

If Fergie ever gets breast cancer I hope her Doctor has the balls to tell her like this.


Doc: Ms. Ferguson, please have a seat. Your mammogram results are back from the lab.

Fergie: What's it say, doctor?

Doc: Upon examining your humps, we found a lady lump.

Fergie: Are you being serious right now?

Doc: I'm very serious. And it's not lovely. It's a malignant lady lump. Check it out!

Fergie: That's not funny! I can't believe this is happening to me!

Doc: I'm surprised too. All your vitals show that you've clearly been working on your fitness. I'm your witness.

Fergie: Please stop. You're being very unprofessional. This isn't a laughing matter.

Doc: You're right. I'm sorry. I just couldn't resist. That was very unprofessional of me. Let's talk treatment.

Fergie: Thank you. I appreciate that. So, what are my options?

Doc: Well, there are some common radiation and chemotherapy treatments we can try.

Fergie: Ok. How much will those cost?

Doc: Well, your insurance should cover it. But you'll have them spending! "Spending all their money on me! And my chemo-ther-a-py!"

Fergie: Fuck you! (Storms out)

Therefore the Lord blessed the sabbath day, and hallowe(eene)d it.

Happy Halloween everybody. This year Halloween falls on a Sunday. This could be good or bad. If you have the unusual tradition of celebrating this decadent pagan holiday with a delicious dinner from chick-fil-a then your plans are kind of ruined this year. But if you're a church-going youth with a lust for carbohydrates then you may be excited at the prospect of getting communion wafers and candy all in the same day. Either way, I hope you all have a happy Halloween.

I Wish One Of My Eyes Was Queer.

I’m completely in favor of gay rights. Let them get married. Not wanting gays to get married makes almost as little sense as not wanting me to smoke cannabis in the privacy of my own living room. The least sensible of all the anti-gay marriage arguments is the idea that if gay marriage is allowed it will open the floodgates for polygamist and bestiality marriages. What a lack of creativity. It’s as if conservatives just copied and pasted their weed argument onto the gay rights issue. “How did we convince everyone marijuana was dangerous? Oh yea, it’s a gateway drug. Well, then…uh… homosexuality is…uh…it’s a gateway sexuality. One moment you've got a perfectly healthy and fulfilling relationship with a member of the same sex and next thing you know you've got 10 partners, at least one of which has hooves.”

Gays don’t deserve to be ostracized any more than African Americans because being gay, like race, is not a choice. I wish it was a choice. I’m a heterosexual but I would have chosen “gay” without question. If I were gay I bet I’d be 10 times happier than I am now. I’m lonely as a heterosexual because in the heterosexual system all of the burden is on males to go approach girls and talk to them. I have anxiety about talking to women, so I pretty much don’t.  But, Gay Ryan would have a great self esteem and love life because I've been hit on by way more gay men than straight women in my life. Whenever this happens I always think, “Man, what a waste? If only I were gay?” Some of you may be thinking to yourselves, “Well, Ryan, if you have these thoughts then maybe you actually are gay?” Believe me, I’m irreversibly straight. And this is my whole point. If I were gay I wouldn't be here writing this blog post complaining about how I’m not. I’d be out dancing with some shirtless dudes, drinking for free and having a great fucking time. Instead I’m sitting here, a lonely heterosexual male pecking away at his keyboard.

Some people are out there actually running camps that claim to turn gay kids straight. They are rounding up these poor adolescents and telling them that their natural inclinations are morally wrong. Which is really just what a pre-teen needs, isn’t it? A little more self doubt and uncertainty about one’s identity? And, like many horrific acts throughout history, all of this deeply disturbing psychological abuse is being done in the name of good ol’ Jesus Christ. I just wonder why camps don’t exist to have the opposite effect. What if I want my son to grow up with a great fashion sensibility and a voice for the theatre and I’m worried by his heterosexual tendencies? Where can I send him to have someone keep a queer eye on him and gently encourage regular viewings of sex and the city? Or maybe I have a daughter and I’m banking on a rugby scholarship for her college education. Sure, I could give her the proper hair cut and force her to lift heavy weights while listening to K.D. Lang, but that would only carry her so far. The chances of her developing those on-field skills would be much greater if a summer camp existed to mold her sexual identity into something completely contrary to her natural desires. Perhaps one day the evil forces that drive the creation of these “straight camps” will be harnessed by the gay community and I’ll have my way. Until then, I can only dream.

Living the High Life

Watch this:



Then watch this:

Media Barrage

The majority of my generation is stupid. I’m speaking as one of them and all of this applies to me. We’re dumb because we don’t learn things anymore. We don’t REALLY learn things from interacting with the world around us. That’s not to say my head’s completely empty. I do have some random trivia jangling around up in there but it’s not real information. It’s just little snippets of pop culture I’ve picked up over the course of my life like a lint roller. Having real experiences is a thing of the past. I live my life vicariously through a barrage of media. Do you have any idea how much shit there is for me to do to entertain myself? We’re still struggling to get HIV under control but my generation has cured boredom.

Any emotion I want to feel, I can evoke by consuming some kind of media. I can download a podcast, read a blog, read tweets, download a tv show, listen to a song, watch a music video, watch a movie, watch a movie in 3D, watch the jersey shore, play a video game on my computer. I can play one on my xbox or play one on my phone. I can watch a wide variety of people have sex in an even wider variety of ways.

Now that’s all just the shit I can do ALONE. Those are all single-person activities and there are probably even some I forgot to list. If you bring another human being into the equation and there are two of you little media fiends interacting then the list of options for cramming audio visual information into your brain expands even further. You can call people, text people, picture message people, skype people, email people, face time people, facebook people. And even within facebook there are statuses, wall writings, messages, picture comments, events, pokes, and Farmville requests.

I can’t believe the generations that came before mine had to learn about the world by actually experiencing it. It sounds exhausting. It must suck to have to attain scuba diving knowledge from actually going scuba diving, not just watching a discovery channel special on it and then feeling like an expert. I’ll prove my point. You may be aware of the fact that SCUBA stands for “Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus,” but were you on a boat when you learned that shit? You weren’t! You were probably sitting on your couch or in an office chair looking at a computer screen or maybe you read about it in a book, if you’re old school.

Books could actually be my saving grace and the one thing that could lend me some real intelligence because I actually read quite a bit. Unfortunately the act of reading doesn’t make you smarter. Simply looking at text with your eyes has no effect. The content of what you’re reading is a major factor. I read some books but I’m not “book smart” because I undermine all of that reading with 10 times more reading done on random blogs and wikipedia. I’m “internet smart”. “Internet smart” is like the “book smart” of my generation. Internet smart is way dumber and less useful. Someone who’s book smart might know how to change a flat tire. Someone who’s internet smart knows how to ghost ride the whip.

How to Pay for College

When I was in high school I had a mentor. I won't reveal his name here in writing, but I will share an anecdote about a time when I was wondering just what I was going to do with my life. Upon seeking the advice of my mentor I was told to go to college and get a degree no matter what it took. Pay for it by any means necessary. Beg, Borrow, Steal. The experiences I would have in college, I was told, would be worth it. So, I left that conversation with a singular goal. Find a way to pay for college. I had been given 3 simple but cryptic steps. Beg. Borrow. Steal.
I hatched a plan. It began, as my mentor suggested, with begging. I begged my cousin Alfred for a ride downtown to a shady area late one Friday night. The places where prostitutes offer their services to seedy characters stalking the night. He obliged me and quickly dropped me off at the intersection I requested and sped off, hastily returning to safer streets.
With step one complete I was ready to change gears. It was time to borrow. I chose to borrow a page out of Julia Robert's "Pretty Woman" play book. I walked those streets until I encountered a wealthy businessman. At this point I relinquished the tactics of the down-on-her-luck hollywood prostitute. Now, it was time for the stealing.
I stole the businessman's heart, like Vivian Ward. Except in a much more literal sense. It fetched a fair sum on the black market that paid for an excellent college education. So, I suppose I added my own 4th step. The step of "Selling".

Beg. Borrow. Steal. Sell.
B² S²


Paying for a college education is just that simple. When using this template to create your own fundraising strategy for college you may stumble at first. You may find yourself wondering, "Who do I beg and borrow from?" or "Who exactly can I steal from and sell to?" Some of you may be hung up on the ethical implications of selling a man's heart on the black market. Things can get confusing. If you're wondering who to involve in your begging, borrowing, theft and sales just remember the following rule. The B's are benign and the S's are sinister. Beg and Borrow from those you do not wish to harm in any way. Steal from people you have no care for or who are your rivals/enemies. And as far as selling goes, you can really do that to whoever's got the cash, but keep in mind it's usually still kind of sinister because in a lot of these sorts of plots you'll be selling damaged goods or some really sketchy stuff. Whatever it is, it's been stolen. The buyer may not know this. Do NOT under any circumstances think that the B's are bad and the S's are safe. Also be careful not to let your imagination run wild and get tricked into think that the B's are bawdy and the S's are sorrowful. Rookie mistake.

A letter home

I was in African American Lit. today and Dr. Bruce Dick said that you must write to get better at writing. He also said that people don't write very much these days beyond email and text messages. "Nobody writes letters anymore", he said. So, I decided to write and mail an old-fashioned hand-written letter to my parents back in Raleigh. My 21st birthday is approaching and I plan to go home that weekend. So, I thought I'd let them know what to expect with my homecoming.

Dear Mother and Father,

     'Tis a crisp fall day in Boone and I'd like to tell you that my life at this institution of higher education is quite swell. I shall be returning home to Raleigh by motor car in approximately one fortnight for the celebration of the 21st anniversary of my birth. This brings me to the crux of my situation and the reason I am writing you.
     As you are both aware, the exact date of my birth was October 8th. This means that when the clock strikes midnight, declaring the beginning of the 8th of October, 2010 I will be able to legally imbibe beverages containing alcohol. I fully intend to take great advantage of this newly acquired privilege. So, by the time I arrive at your location on the 9th of October, I may be suffering from decreased vigor and physical vitality due to my raucous celebration and hefty consumption of the devil's water. I may consume so great a quantity that I eject the contents of my stomach on to the very ground upon which I stand (or dance). This may occur several times, however I am not setting any official goals.
     So, I would like for you both to know that when celebrating my birthday with you on October 9th I will try to be as jovial as possible. But, I may find myself inhibited by my physical state as a consequence of my celebratory activites.

With roughly equal parts love and respect,
                                               Ryan
     

Top 20 Tweets

I was very unsure of what I wanted to write about for the blog this week. I feel like I've got 3 different outlets for the stuff in my head. I've got my Twitter account for my smaller, more trivial stuff. I've got my stand-up for the more elaborate and entertaining stuff. And, then I've got this blog for stuff that's sort of in between. The blog is for things that I'd perhaps like to write about but aren't necessarily that funny. And all of the ideas I've had recently have been relegated to twitter or the stage, leaving me without any good blog content for this week. So, what I'm going to do is post my top 20 tweets since my twitter account's inception. This will hopefully serve 2 purposes. It will give me a post for this week on the blog and it will entice you to follow me on twitter. You don't even have to have a twitter account to read my tweets. Just bookmark the link above and you can check in from time to time. So, without further ado, here's my personal top 20 tweets list, in no particular order:

1. Did you hear the news? Jim Lehrer was exposed to gamma radiation. Now when he gets angry he becomes the credible hulk.

2. "Mr. Pib" should change it's name to "Witch Dr. Pepper" and market it as a superstitious alternative to the more popular soft drink.

3. Toyota released their design for the 2011 Highlander. When asked how many they would produce Toyota's rep replied 'there can only be one.'

4. Planning on starting up a Justice cover band called "Criminal Justice". We won't buy the rights to any of the songs.

5. I heard Apple is releasing a kettlebell called the iPood

6. I learned how to kill an earthly immortal today in daoism class. Something tells me they're not teaching facts at this school.

7. I don't pray because I'm an atheist. I just make wishes. It's all the same to me.

8. The girl in front of me at walmart is getting a case of coors light AND bud light. Because variety is the spice of life.

9. M.J. died of cardiac arrest. The least morally suspicious arrest he's ever been involved in.

10. Everyone who's here for the diversity celebration has to park in the parking deck. Sounds like segregation to me.

11. "YOU GET A BANANA! AND YOU GET A BANANA! ALL THE MONKEYS GET BANANAS!" - Oprah, narrating "Life" on Discovery Channel.

12. Boss battles are more fun in video games than in real life.

13. Have you ever checked yourself, only to find that you were too late and had wrecked yourself just seconds prior?

14. Former survivor producer was accused of murdering his wife who was found dead in Cancun. If only she’d earned immunity in the last challenge

15. I've got a fever and the only prescription is some kind of fever reduction meds. Seriously, get that cowbell out of here.


16. Pet Sitter Problem: "All my clients keep getting euthanized!"

17. I have tropical depression. None of my favorite island activities sound fun. I just want to sleep in a hammock all day. 

18. The bacon I'm eating is uncured, however it is in remission.

19. Mousenary- a trained soldier hired by Disney.

20. The worst part about being a serial killer who targets medieval European bards would probably be cleaning up all the minstrel blood.

So, there it is. My top 20 tweets up to this date. I'll see you guys next week!





       

A good night on the craps table is never considered a problem.

The unique thing about a "gambling problem" is that people don't really consider it a "problem" unless you're losing a lot. Like, if a guy is a compulsive gambler but he's good at it, I bet nobody ever hassles him about his addiction. In fact, gambling is the only addiction that I can think of where you just might end up really wealthy. When people get hooked on meth or heroin, they end up living on the streets, eating out of trash cans. They gather whatever materials they can find and wear them as clothes. Their level of physical degradation eventually matches the severity of their psychological illness. But with gambling, you could be very mentally unwell but your bank account has never looked better. There has to be at least one guy out there who has a really serious gambling addiction but he's got millions of dollars because he's just a lucky motherfucker. He probably places irresponsible, outrageous bets but then somehow it always pans out for him. How is that guy's family and friends supposed to have an intervention? An intervention is easy with a drug addict. You just say, "Hey, look at yourself. Is this the person you want to be?" Then they look down at the microwave popcorn bag, duct-taped to their thigh as a makeshift bandage for a knife wound and then they can't really deny the error of their ways. Try that on the wealthy compulsive gambler. "Hey, look at yourself. Is this the person you want to be?" He looks down at his designer jeans and crocodile boots, then slowly shifts his gaze over to the grand piano in his foyer and that's the end of that intervention.

If you've been reading this blog and you like what I'm doing, then leave some comments and let me know. If you don't like what I'm doing, let me know that too. I just would like some comments.

I'll have a diet coke. Bring me some crayons too. The spaghetti maze won't solve itself.

I've always looked kind of young for my age and I've never really appreciated it because it's always been a huge pain in the ass. If you're 17 years old in high school but you look like you're 13, none of the other kids think that's cool. The girls definitely don't dig it. Everybody wants to have an older looking friend because maybe they don't get carded so they can buy alcohol. But, nobody wants to be friends with Doogie Howser so that he can hook you up with shit off the "12 and under" menu at Applebees. Actually that's kind of a bad example. A 16 year old who can legally write prescriptions would have lots of friends. But, I know the tables are gonna turn and my day will come. One day I'll be in the nursing home and I'll be 70 but I'll look like I'm 55. And then everyone will think I'm the shit. I'll have a bunch of old people friends and whenever we go out to eat I'll be the only one getting carded for my senior citizen discount. And I'll probably have my pick of the ancient widows that throw themselves at me on a daily basis. I don't care one way or the other about breasts, but I only go for natural hips/knees.

Fall 2010 Classes: First Impressions

As the Summer of 2010 comes to a close another semester of classes begins for me at this fine institute of higher education known as Appalachian State University. I'm taking four classes right now. Sports Management, Theory and Practice of Strength and Conditioning, African-American Literature and Abnormal Psychology. I've survived the first week of classes and here's my first impressions:


Sports Management


My entire understanding of "Sports Management" comes from "Jerry Maguire", so I expected this course's syllabus to have days dedicated to topics like "Fathering Jonathan Lipnicki" or "Showing them the money". So, imagine my surprise when I see vague management jargon like "Employee Motivation" and "Budgets" on the syllabus. I was a little worried. But, in my 16 years of formal education I've learned that my success in a class depends less upon the material being taught and more upon who's teaching it. And this class is being taught by Roachel Laney. Let me tell you a little bit about Roachel. Roachel is man somewhere in his late 40's to mid 50's and Appalachian to the bone. On the first day he told us about his 2-3 acre fishing pond that he owns somewhere out in the local wilderness. As his students we are all invited to use said pond whenever we like. He said he'd draw us a map. Roachel is also a certified bbq judge. Certified by whom, I'm not sure. It might just be his friends and family. He also confessed to being a moonshine drinker although he doesn't sip the white lightning much anymore these days. So, this guy is quite a character and he seems to have a lot of wisdom to share. I don't suspect I'll have any difficulty paying attention in his class and even though I don't find the material to be very fascinating, some basic management skills are probably a good idea for anyone regardless of the field you're going into.


Theory and Practice of Strength and Conditioning


This is already my favorite class this semester without a doubt. Of all the courses I will take at App, I think this one will be the most applicable to my actual coaching career. Our syllabus says things like, "Olympic Lifts- Jerks, Presses and Snatches" and "Periodization and Program Design." This might not sound exciting to those of you reading this who aren't into S&C, but this is the stuff that I nerd out on and really gets me excited. The course is taught by a woman named Travis Triplett. Like Roachel, Travis holds some impressive certifications including her CSCS from the NSCA among others. The NSCA even gave her their 2010 Outstanding Sport Scientist Award for her contributions to the field of Exercise Science. So, like many of the professors at Appalachian she's got impressive credentials. However, what really impressed me and earned my respect was her solid overhead squat depth when she was demo-ing the snatch during Thursday's class. For an ordinary-looking middle-aged woman she had one hell of an OHS.


African American Literature


I took this course for a very liberal white college kid reason. About a year ago I really started discovering more underground and old-school hip hop. This opened up my eyes to an area of black culture that I'd never explored before. So, when it came time to register for classes and I found out that this course would fulfill some of my requirements for graduation, I was sold. The course is taught by Dr. Bruce Dick who, in addition to having two first names, is white. An overwhelming majority of the students in my class are also white. There are only 3-4 black students. This creates an interesting dynamic in the classroom because the way Dr. Dick drones on about black poetry while fiddling with the change in his jean pockets an uncomfortable amount isn't that interesting. But, the racial tension created by a white guy saying "Nigger" repeatedly, in the presence of black students during an otherwise boring lecture is enough to keep you awake.


Abnormal Psychology


This might end up being the most fascinating non-major course I'll take during my time here at Appalachian. The professor, Dr. Denise Martz, is a gifted speaker and pretty much just talks about crazy people and what makes them crazy. Since I spend a lot of my free time pondering my own mental stability or lack thereof, this is a very interesting topic to me. I'm almost constantly asking myself "Why am I the way I am?" and perhaps taking this class could help me find some answers. The professor also frequently uses evolutionary science to explain the "Why?" behind many of our behavioral adaptations. And I love evolution the way Glenn Beck loves Jesus money. So, I think this will be a really fun class that might just teach me something about myself. Or maybe it will just give me more ways to be neurotic and overly-analytical about why I do what I do.

September: TV gets good again! (Part 2)

Ok, I'm back with Part 2. Here's the other shows I'll be watching this fall.

Show: "Eastbound and Down"
Network: HBO
Premieres: September 26th

Season: 2nd

I liked Danny McBride a lot in "Pineapple Express". I liked him in "Land of the Lost" (which is a decent movie if you go in with low expectations). But he has really won me over as a fan by assuming the persona of "Eastbound and Down's" Kenny Powers, a washed up Ex-professional baseball player who's trying to fight his way back up into "The Majors" and has assumed the role of an elementary school PE teacher to occupy him in the meantime. The show is basically a platform for McBride to be funny as all fuck, all the time. And not far behind McBride is Steve Little playing Stevie Janowski. Janowski slowly evolves into Kenny's sidekick and assumes the role with absolute hilarity. Rumor has it that season 2 is set in Mexico. When I first heard this rumor, I became a little skeptical about if the show would maintain it's charm when taken out of small town NC. But, I've since realized that Kenny Powers is a probably a funny character no matter what locale you put him in.

Show: "Dexter"
Network: Showtime
Premieres: September 26th

Season: 5th

Ok, "Dexter" is a show about a serial killer who works as a blood spatter analyst for the Miami Police department. He tries to use his lust for murder as a tool for justice by selecting an MO of only killing murderers who's crimes have gone unpunished.  I really can't talk about the oncoming season of Dexter without throwing out a big *spoiler alert* for those who haven't seen the finale from season 4. The final 10 minutes of the season 4 finale were a real game-changer for the entire show. Dexter's wife was killed by the "trinity killer", a character played by John Lithgow. I just watched a trailer for Season 5 and I won't describe every little detail from the trailer, but you can watch it here. It basically just shows a bunch of shit hitting the fan really hard in Dexter's world. And I love to see Dexter when he's under pressure and at the end of his rope. I think it'll be a good season.

So, all of the shows I've mentioned up to now have been starting at least their second season. But here are my 2 picks for brand new shows to watch.

Show: "Nick Swardson's Pretend Time"
Network: Comedy Central
Premieres: October 2010

Season: 1st

I'm putting some stock in this show and promoting it on my blog even though I really don't know that much about it. I've seen one sketch about a paralyzed cat in a wheelchair who has inherited a large sum of money from it's dead ex-owner. The cat, voiced by Swardson, speaks through a computer on his wheelchair ala Stephen Hawking. It was an outlandish, ridiculous sketch and it was fun. So, I'm hoping that this show will be worth watching. We'll see sometime in October.

Show: "The Benson Interruption"
Network: Comedy Central
Premieres: October 2010

Season: 1st

It's about time Doug Benson gets the mainstream attention he deserves. I think his unique brand of silly stoner humor could have giant mass-appeal if given the proper outlet. "The Benson Interruption" is an television-adaptation of a live show that Doug Benson hosts on a regular basis at the La Largo theatre in Los Angeles. I've been to one of these live shows and it was one of the most fun and unique live comedy performances that I've seen in quite awhile. The premise is quite simple. Benson emcees the show like any ordinary stand up comedy showcase, doing some time up front and then bringing on each of his handful of guests to do 10 minute sets. The only difference is that rather than leaving the stage when Benson brings a guest on, he takes a seat in a chair off to the side (pictured above) with his own microphone and chimes in with his commentary as the guest does their act. The result is a sort of talk-show/stand-up hybrid and it's fascinating. I like what this show is because of it's simplicity. Just funny people on an empty stage with microphones, creating entertainment out of thin air. I really hope this one gets the attention it will probably deserve.  

Alright, so that's what I'll be watching this fall. If you think I overlooked some other good shows let me know in the comments.

September: TV gets good again! (Part 1)

It's mid-august and I'm starting to get really excited in anticipation of new seasons of my favorite shows coming back on the air. HBO's "Entourage" and FX's "Louie" are pretty much all I've had to get me through this summer. The Daily Show/Colbert Report are good but in the summer months they take a vacation every other goddamn week it seems. And when topical joke news is your bread and butter re-runs don't really have much sizzle. Anyways, without further ado, here's the first installment of Ryan Brown's "Must Watch" list for TV in Fall of 2010. Let's go chronologically by premiere date.

Show: "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia"
Network: FX
Premieres: September 16th
Season: 6th

IASIP is a show that has aged incredibly well in my opinion. When promoting the series premiere, FX billed it as "Seinfeld on crack" and that's a pretty good summation of what this show is. It's really hard for me to pin down a favorite season. Every time the show comes back on the air I'm impressed with the writer's ability to keep it fresh. The show's premise (5 sociopaths run a bar in Philly and hilarity ensues) is pretty wide open and leaves room for pretty much anything to happen. In seasons past the writers have explored some pretty outlandish plot lines (Hunting a man for sport, selling gasoline door-to-door out of trash cans, raising a "dumpster baby" to become a child star) but never stopped bringing the laughs. Season 5 was full of some instant classics and I have no doubt that season 6 will bring more of the same.

Show: "Bored to Death"

Network: HBO

Premieres: September 26th

Season: 2nd

It took a few episodes for this show to get me hooked but now that I've seen the first season two times over, I'm a huge fan. BTD spent the bulk of it's first season slowly establishing it's characters. Jason Schwartzman is very likable in the lead role of Jonathan Ames, a newly-dumped journalist who channels his heartbreak into an amateur private detective career (and numbs the pain with alcohol and pot). Zach Galifianakis plays Ray,  Jonathan's best friend who, over the course of the season, becomes his reluctant (and equally inept) accomplice in his P.I. misadventures. Ted Danson fills the role of George Christopher and has never made me laugh this hard. He's a wealthy magazine editor, Jonathan's boss and a member of Manhattan's social elite. By the season finale the three have evolved into a sort of unlikely, comical "A-team" that I can't get enough of. I'm very anxious to see where this show goes in it's second season.

That's all for now. I'll hit you with my other picks later this week!

Totally Sweet Armoir

All summer long my Mom has been asking me to post a craigslist ad for a large oak armoir that we have sitting in our garage. I finally buckled down and put an ad out there. The following is the ad I posted on Craigslist last month, with the headline "Totally Sweet Armoir" :

The first thing you need to know about this Armoir is that it's totally fucking sweet! Trust me, you do NOT want to miss out on this deal. This Armoir could change your life. It's got an elegant crackle paint job that will blow your mind! If you like to entertain, a piece like this is an absolute must. Where does your television sit right now? On a table? On the floor? On a metal TV stand mounted to the wall? FUCK THAT SHIT! YOU'RE BETTER THAN THAT! Get that television up where it belongs in a beautiful Armoir. The only reasonable way you could turn down this item is if you don't like the word "Armoir". If that's the case, I don't blame you. It's really french and it's not fun to say. But here's an easy fix: refer to this shit as a CABINET! That's basically what it is. It's just a big fuckin' cabinet and it's awesome. If you're reading this you'd better shoot me an email RIGHT AWAY! I don't think this sucker is going to last long...

I got one response from a gentleman who took me seriously:

"any pix of it open? wtf

what are the dimensions?"

I probably would have received more emails from interested potential customers but my ad got flagged for removal after about 24 hours. Meanwhile a young lady in Danville, NC posts an ad in the "Casual Encounters" section with the headline, "Here's a chica with professor fantasies, make me your whore - w4m - 21" and goes completely unnoticed.